Updated: Apr 2, 2019
I still have butterflies when I see him. I can’t help how I feel; my #heart just hasn’t been able to catch up with my #mind. I know at this point that it’s best for me to let go and walk away, but when I see him I just can’t.
Who he is, how he is, what he is… I’m still in love with him. In spite of obvious flaws, shortcomings, and his own demons. Truly unconditional — something he wasn’t ready to return or face.
How I feel isn’t logical, productive, or even right anymore. But it IS.
And, in all honesty, I just can’t stop. I want to, to save myself some hurt, but I can’t. In my mind, I know I have to let it go, I know that I’m enough and that I can survive without him. I just want him. And when he walks into the room, everything I feel comes rushing back like waves, pulling me with the tide. How he ended things wasn’t right; I deserved better treatment, no doubt. But I can’t deny what we had, or how quickly I react when he’s in my presence. I haven’t accepted the entire picture yet, because bringing everything into complete focus means having to address the mistreatment and the immaturity.
But being around him for over a week on a tropical island like Barbados? Complete torture. Seeing his ex constantly in his face, obviously still harboring her own feelings? Killing me slowly, like the death of 1,000 cuts.
Wondering whether he would succumb to her advances because she’s right there in front of him, and we all knew he could get it if he wanted to? Hell. Beautiful, tropical island hell with a big cup of rum punch to fuel the flames.